Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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