the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
