He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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