So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
