Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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