I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize