We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Randomize
