I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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