btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
