My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
