the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
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