just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize
