What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
