is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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