I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
