its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
