I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
organizing the empties. That sober.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
