My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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