It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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