i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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