my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
