i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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