its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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