Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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