who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
