Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
