When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
