I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
