i already hear my dad disowning me
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Randomize
