Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Randomize
