I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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