YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize