I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
you mean i was at the winter classic?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Randomize