Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
