I could make wine with my vomit
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Randomize
