Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
