The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
