Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
