Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
wakey wakey hands off snakey
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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