someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
