ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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