you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
