I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
