True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
