a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
