the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
