So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Randomize
