If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
