I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize