does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
