So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
