Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
