I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
