im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Randomize
